What do you want?
I am stressed out in so many aspects of my life. My parents, my school, my friends, my love interest. There isn't a single time when I'm not stressed out or fighting with someone and I'm really wearing thin now. I can't even enjoy anytime I spend with either my parents, my friends or my love interest because there's conflict in every single direction. My parents don't like my love interest. My love interest doesn't like my parents. My friends want to meet up, but I'm bogged down with school. I kept messing up in school, now it's hard to get into a grad school.
But I keep getting into conflicts because I don't just speak what I want. Force myself to get what I want. Get out of my comfort zone.
What do I want from my parents:
I want them to understand that the time they grew up in is different than the time now. I want them to understand that the culture is different. I didn't grow up with their traditions or their way of thinking no matter how much they tried to enforce it at home. I was too affected by the outside world, and I'm glad I was. I am so much more well-rounded. I am happiest when I'm exercising everything the world taught me rather than what they continuously try to force into my brain. I am never going to understand the fact that because I am a woman, I need to be treated differently. I will NEVER understand that thinking. I will never accept it. I will never bring myself to care about what others are saying if I am the only girl in an entire group of guys. I will NEVER care. I will not even begin to process that being someone who enjoys writing, music, and alone-time means that I am INSANE. Never ever will that happen.
I want acceptance from my parents. I know they won't understand my choices or my beliefs, but I would rather have them accept it. Accept me for who I am.
What do I want from school:
Honestly, I wish I had a time machine but I don't. I would love to go back into time and tell myself to drop out of pharmacy rather than drowning myself in a major I never wanted to be in. But I do not have any means of accomplishing that so, I need to work with what I have.
I want nothing from my school. It can not give me anything that I can not already give myself.
What do I want from my friends:
Happy memories, care, good times. Don't give up on me because I can't make it out a lot.
What do I want from my love interest:
I want the same thing that I want from my parents. Indian girl with a white boy is a story that is unbelievably rare and is accepted in only the luckiest and most understanding and open minded families. That does not describe my family..at all. I believe that my parents CAN be understanding and open minded. But I also know why someone wouldn't want to wait around too long in case that were to not happen. I understand why it seems that I'm immature because I can't introduce my boyfriend of 2 years to my parents. I know why I have so much bullshit in my life. I can not even get my parents to accept me for who I am. How would I be able to have them accept someone on the complete opposite end of the spectrum from them? They believe I am even crazy for writing this right now. How would they EVER begin to understand my white boy? So what I want is a decision. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. My life IS different. No I cannot just say I am doing something because I do still care. It shouldn't be such a battle. But I guess it shouldn't be a battle in families that are accepting. It will always be a battle for me. I will ALWAYS be at war. But should this be my first priority at the moment? I still haven't gotten into grad school. Should this be my main concern? He wants me to be independent and mature. In my eyes, for me to be independent I need to have a career. I need to be on my way to making something of myself to be independent.
I want time from my love interest. I can not give you an introduction to my parents yet, because my parents are barely finished meeting me. I want to be able to rely on myself before I bring you into the scariest part of my world.
What do I want from myself:
I want to be strong.
I want to be brave.
I want to be smart.
I want to be intelligent.
I want to make right decisions.
I want to just not care about anyone else.
I want to be happy, no matter what life brings me.
I love my parents. I love my love interest. I love my friends. I hate my school but that's a different story.
What I want is simple, but not easy.
So I have to force myself to be strong.
I have to force myself to be brave.
To end this little blog post, I am capable of so many things and I have forgotten about that along the mess my life became. My school records do not show it. I was dealing with the mess that was my life to care about school. But I can handle it. I no longer think about the fact that my friends left me in the dust. I'm ready to make new memories. I still have people in my life and I should focus on them. I think about the new opportunities I have from graduate school. Whether that is this year or next year. I will always have a thing for my love interest, but if we break up that's it. I'll blame the timing because that's true. I'm not ready to introduce him to my parents. I'm not mature enough. My parent's aren't even mature enough to handle it. He's looking for something I am not sure anyone is really ready for. As for my parents, I am placing my bets on having a broken relationship with them for the rest of my life. At the rate this is going, they will really never understand. I'll never give up though. But I really doubt it will change. As for school, well I have one more semester left. I expect to kick that semester in the ass. Because that will give me a higher GPA and maybe make me look good :). If not, there's always next year.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am smart.
I am intelligent.
I make right decisions.
I do not care about anyone else.
I am happy, no matter what life brings me.
But I keep getting into conflicts because I don't just speak what I want. Force myself to get what I want. Get out of my comfort zone.
What do I want from my parents:
I want them to understand that the time they grew up in is different than the time now. I want them to understand that the culture is different. I didn't grow up with their traditions or their way of thinking no matter how much they tried to enforce it at home. I was too affected by the outside world, and I'm glad I was. I am so much more well-rounded. I am happiest when I'm exercising everything the world taught me rather than what they continuously try to force into my brain. I am never going to understand the fact that because I am a woman, I need to be treated differently. I will NEVER understand that thinking. I will never accept it. I will never bring myself to care about what others are saying if I am the only girl in an entire group of guys. I will NEVER care. I will not even begin to process that being someone who enjoys writing, music, and alone-time means that I am INSANE. Never ever will that happen.
I want acceptance from my parents. I know they won't understand my choices or my beliefs, but I would rather have them accept it. Accept me for who I am.
What do I want from school:
Honestly, I wish I had a time machine but I don't. I would love to go back into time and tell myself to drop out of pharmacy rather than drowning myself in a major I never wanted to be in. But I do not have any means of accomplishing that so, I need to work with what I have.
I want nothing from my school. It can not give me anything that I can not already give myself.
What do I want from my friends:
Happy memories, care, good times. Don't give up on me because I can't make it out a lot.
What do I want from my love interest:
I want the same thing that I want from my parents. Indian girl with a white boy is a story that is unbelievably rare and is accepted in only the luckiest and most understanding and open minded families. That does not describe my family..at all. I believe that my parents CAN be understanding and open minded. But I also know why someone wouldn't want to wait around too long in case that were to not happen. I understand why it seems that I'm immature because I can't introduce my boyfriend of 2 years to my parents. I know why I have so much bullshit in my life. I can not even get my parents to accept me for who I am. How would I be able to have them accept someone on the complete opposite end of the spectrum from them? They believe I am even crazy for writing this right now. How would they EVER begin to understand my white boy? So what I want is a decision. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. My life IS different. No I cannot just say I am doing something because I do still care. It shouldn't be such a battle. But I guess it shouldn't be a battle in families that are accepting. It will always be a battle for me. I will ALWAYS be at war. But should this be my first priority at the moment? I still haven't gotten into grad school. Should this be my main concern? He wants me to be independent and mature. In my eyes, for me to be independent I need to have a career. I need to be on my way to making something of myself to be independent.
I want time from my love interest. I can not give you an introduction to my parents yet, because my parents are barely finished meeting me. I want to be able to rely on myself before I bring you into the scariest part of my world.
What do I want from myself:
I want to be strong.
I want to be brave.
I want to be smart.
I want to be intelligent.
I want to make right decisions.
I want to just not care about anyone else.
I want to be happy, no matter what life brings me.
I love my parents. I love my love interest. I love my friends. I hate my school but that's a different story.
What I want is simple, but not easy.
So I have to force myself to be strong.
I have to force myself to be brave.
To end this little blog post, I am capable of so many things and I have forgotten about that along the mess my life became. My school records do not show it. I was dealing with the mess that was my life to care about school. But I can handle it. I no longer think about the fact that my friends left me in the dust. I'm ready to make new memories. I still have people in my life and I should focus on them. I think about the new opportunities I have from graduate school. Whether that is this year or next year. I will always have a thing for my love interest, but if we break up that's it. I'll blame the timing because that's true. I'm not ready to introduce him to my parents. I'm not mature enough. My parent's aren't even mature enough to handle it. He's looking for something I am not sure anyone is really ready for. As for my parents, I am placing my bets on having a broken relationship with them for the rest of my life. At the rate this is going, they will really never understand. I'll never give up though. But I really doubt it will change. As for school, well I have one more semester left. I expect to kick that semester in the ass. Because that will give me a higher GPA and maybe make me look good :). If not, there's always next year.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am smart.
I am intelligent.
I make right decisions.
I do not care about anyone else.
I am happy, no matter what life brings me.
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